themadcomposer

just me and my fatalism

I was a first year graduate student, and this was my first big project.I stood facing the guitar ensemble at school, music stand in front of me, preparing to wave my arms in front of them as they magically made my music happen.There were twelve guitarists in the group. They were all men, except for one. It was among the scarier moments in my life.Twelve angry guitarists, and me. It was a moment that made me consider why I’d ever chosen music, or why music had chosen me. As I cursed the art gods for not making me a painter, I considered the conductor of the ensemble who wanted to make this not only my first project but my first foray into conducting. I wanted to throw up, cry, tear up all the sheet music I’d spent hours photocopying for all of them.We scraped through the first movement of my piece, Occam’s Razor, and by the end of it I had visions of myself at a nine to five desk job as an accountant or something. (Fatalistic, much?) The guitarists looked incurably bored. I was in an uninhibited panic, somehow barely holding it together on the outside. The conductor pulled me aside.”How’s it going?”"Alright, I guess,” I lied.”Look, you’re a great composer,” he said. “I know this piece has some personal meaning to you, some inspiration. Talk to them about it. I promise you, it will get them into it.”The paranoid fatalist in me developed a vision of the ensemble looking back at me, collectively laughing their heads off at me and my stupid ideas. But I took the conductor’s advice, bless his heart, and spoke about my ideas and inspiration for the second movement.Much to my surprise, thankfully, they did not laugh. They listened, surprised the amount of thought that had gone into the piece. By the time I was done, the ensemble had gained a good amount of respect for me and my music.

a girl in the boy’s club

Afterward, I had to wonder what I was so afraid of. And because I’m always, always, always thinking, I had to sit down and think about why I’d been so afraid.The fact is that the classical guitar world is predominantly made up of men. Serious rockers and rollers who spent their teenage years playing Metallica and Led Zeppelin grow up and start learning Albeniz as well. They’re all incredible musicians who can pick anything up by ear, but most of them aren’t used to the random contemporary composers that come along and write a piece for them.When the conductor stepped aside and asked me to do the honors, I freaked out. Now, not only was I in the boy’s club, but I was their leader. The feminist that I am was exhilarated, but I am also aware of gender roles in our society and felt a little like I was stepping on their toes. To see that they not only accepted me but came to appreciate me felt a little like a small step for (wo)mankind and a great leap for humanity. Or something like that.bustablog_com_JG8D69D

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